I know what a lot of people think when it comes to many allkpop writers: that we're soulless haters. But all of us are human here, and all of us have groups we swoon over. I happen to be one of the more intense fangirls, collecting every album of every group I like, because when I get into someone, I get really intensely into them.

If you follow me on my SNS, you know that I actually got into Kris after he filed his lawsuit. (Yes, it hasn't been that long.) I started doing research on him and I got so deeply into him. Every one of my friends who found out called me stupid, idiotic, or crazy. Some laughed at my weird predicament of getting into someone who was getting ready to leave. When I tried to say I couldn't possibly be the only one like this, one of my friends told me that I was a "whole new weird species." But a lot of my friends sympathized, mostly because they know how badly I get into someone once I get into them.

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Yesterday, like every other EXO fan, I clung to my computer desperately and waited for the press conference. I couldn't decide if I wanted to be given a definite answer or not. On one hand, I wanted the drama to end. But on the other hand, I didn't want to hear the more likely definite answer of 'he's leaving.' I didn't know if I could handle that.

After the press conference that basically told us nothing new, I was so determined to avoid all EXO news today. It's difficult, when you have a job like mine, but I desperately ignored the trending articles and then shoved my eyes away every time I saw some kind of article about the press conference floating anew.

But then backstage photos of 'The Lost Planet' came up, and I couldn't avoid it. Kris or not, I had to do my job, and my eyes caught on this picture. 

I'm not going to lie: I cried. I had to literally take a break from scrolling down to see the rest of the pictures because I was tearing up. I told myself being so badly affected by all this was stupid, but this was the point I realized I was really in over my head, caught up in all this. 

This isn't the first time I had to deal with heartache over people leaving. I'm an ELF, so I dealt with heartache when Hangeng left, except back in that situation, it wasn't my bias that was leaving.

How am I dealing with this? I think the short answer would be that I'm not. I've made my computer background, my phone lock screen, my phone background, my forum icons and banners, and my twitter banner all Kris. I've been listening to "Two Moons" and "The Star" on repeat, and if not those I'd play the first few seconds of the Chinese version of "Growl" over and over again. I'd watch "History" just to see Kris say "No more shaking like that". I'd watch "MAMA" because I loved that how during his first line, he was wearing just a plain t-shirt and jeans. I decided to finally buy the EXO KakaoTalk emoticons and spam the Kris ones, and then go back to "Showtime" just to see duizhang fail at everything he does.

And even though EXO keeps saying they're starting anew, that the ground is harder after the rain, and even though they keep saying 11 and so many fans are saying 11, I'm clinging onto the 12. It might be stupid, but I'm clinging to the thread that SM hasn't said straight up that Kris isn't leaving, hoping that it means SM wants to keep Kris in the group, and just wishing that somehow, somehow, this will all work out and our dragon can come back.

This is just how I feel, about two weeks of being a fangirl. I can't imagine how fans who've been with him from the beginning are feeling right now. So let me know - how are you guys dealing?