SM Entertainment's five member girl group f(x) kicked off a slew of promotions last weekend for their first full-length album, "Pinocchio." After what felt like an eternity of breaks, side projects, and Amber alerts, all five members (Amber, Krystal, Luna, Sulli, and Victoria) have pranced back into the K-pop forefront to give this thing called music another spin. Contrary to SM conduct, f(x) haven't been pimped out as stubbornly in the music scene as their seniors. The quintet have a few digital singles under their belt (LaChaTa, Chocolate Love, and Chu), as well as their 2010 mini album, "NU ABO", but as far as exposure goes, f(x) seem to have found it via other means - like variety programs, hosting gigs, etc. - which makes sense since their music has yet to really claw its name into the history books like many SM idol groups have done before. Well this year f(x) are armed with a whopping 10 songs - with that many, they were bound to have strung together a timeless hit, no? Let's find out... --- Track List: 01. ???? (Danger) 02. ??? (Sweet Witches) 03. Dangerous 04. Beautiful Goodbye 05. Gangsta Boy 06. ?? (Love) 07. Stand Up! 08. MY STYLE 09. So into U 10. Lollipop (feat. SHINee) --- It has almost become a custom for SM Entertainment's releases, be it a singles, mini, or full length album, to spare any semblance of cohesion from one song to the next. From TVXQ down to f(x), there has been at least one instance in their musical career where any one of their released albums made little to no sense as a collective. Even more confusing is that the idols who are slammed with a cluster of nonsensical songs are those with a very obscure direction in music, and that has been the case with f(x). On straight musical terms, f(x) lack a true sense of identity as a girl group in K-pop. The songs they have released are of course theirs because the name "f(x)" is attached to them, but smear that off and these songs could fall in the hands of practically any other Korean girl group; SNSD, their label mates, could easily take any of f(x)'s songs and call them their own because both girl groups seem to have overlapping styles. The only glaring difference is f(x)'s Amber, the residential tomboy in K-pop. Alas, her role would be overwhelmingly strong had she a more vital role in f(x), musically. "Pinocchio" opens with "Danger," the lead single. The pseudo-edgy song is a drilling, continuous spiral of very staccato verses and melodies. You can hear that it wants to get stuck in your head, but it almost defeats the purpose by reducing itself to too simple of a hook.  If you can recall the very first time you listened to this song, and if, perhaps, it crossed your mind that it sounded a little plain - well, there's a reason why that is: "Danger" is plain in every way, shape, and form of the word. The obvious reason is because f(x) are singing just about the same note through the entire song. No, really. This song is so simple that a child could learn to play it on a piano in about one minute. It's that mundane down to the instrumental, and the perfect description for "Danger" would be one-note. A fantastic rap break would have lifted some of the redundancy, but Amber doesn't get more than one line in before the nail and hammer return for the finish. As previously mentioned, this album wouldn't be an SM spawn had the lead single been followed by something vastly different. "Sweet Witches" swoops in after three minutes of 4/4 counts to recall the same bubbly details that were sprinkled in f(x)'s "NU ABO" mini album. They felt weird then and they feel weird now. I say this because f(x) could actually work off of the urban-pop style they occasionally go for (and make it work), but they keep being whisked away to la la-land instead, and it's simply unnatural and unconvincing when it happens. This is their third physical release and f(x) are still performing trial and errors with every style in the book (Sweet Witches). As the title describes, "Sweet Witches" is somewhat mysterious and mystifying with a thick coat of sugary voices. It's a very upbeat tune, and just when the broken record seems to be forever stuck on the chorus - "binggeureu binggeureu binggeul binggeul binggeureu binggeureu" - f(x) drop their lollipops and witch's brew and follow it up with "Dangerous," a cartoon-ish song that refers to cheesy 'secret agent' noises for added effect and interest. Like in the previous song, f(x) are forcefully squeezing an unnerving amount of infant-squeals to transition from one part of a verse to the next. Fine, but the believability will keep getting lost as the "aegyo" is inserted in songs that don't necessarily call for it, and this is one of them (Dangerous). --- Trailing behind "Dangerous" is "Beautiful Goodbye." This song is one of two ballads on the entire album, and we finally get a glimpse of f(x)'s vocal prowess. "Beautiful Goodbye" is calming, simple, and basically the typical fairytale SM ballad; nothing mind-blowing, but this is a good spot to point out that the members of f(x) aren't bad singers. At all. SM does a good job of picking out voices that will work well together as a unit, and f(x)'s definitely do. Every member has that smooth and versatile color that works well in commercial music - put them all together and you get this one clean voice ready to be shipped and sold to the masses. As they say, the proof is in the pudding, and even if the pudding is a vacant slow song like this one, all five ladies managed to sing it well; down to Amber, who usually doesn't get more than a word in of rap, let alone any singing, but here she's clearly testing the waters out just like Minho of SHINee circa "Lucifer" 2010 (Beautiful Goodbye). "Gangsta Boy" is the fifth song on the album, and from the title alone you'd think this was the next industrial single, or at least something that resembled the style of "Mr. Boogie," but the truth couldn't be more far off. "Gangsta Boy" is the most agitating song on the album, in my opinion. There is no substance whatsoever. It doesn't relate with the lead single and it feels like a complete blind item within an already numbing collection of songs. There isn't a single saving grace in this tropical-meets-psychiatric-ward-meets-a-holiday-vacation-tune from outer space, and it pains me to even go that far to describe this song because didn't we just finish saying f(x) have talent? As the album dwells past the half way point, we're welcomed by "Love," a sign that maybe there is in fact some loose strands in this album that make sense with one another; "Sweet Witches", meet your match. "Love" is novelty at its best. It sounds freakishly similar to something that would have been found on the "Wizards of Waverly Place" soundtrack, with its cheeky "na-na, na, na, na-na" and quirky nuances. It doesn't have much of anything else going for it, mainly because the form and overall structure is absolutely vapid. There's no direction; it feels like we're walking in a giant circle, and sorry to say, that's been the case with just about every song so far (and every one henceforth). "Stand Up!" is in the same vein as "Love", except this is showcasing the prettiness of f(x). We've seen pretty, cute, extra-cute, semi-dark, semi-serious - what's next? (Love, Stand Up!) "My Style" follows soon after, throwing all convention (and cohesion) into the wind. f(x) find themselves chanting in this march as horns chime in and a decent beat gives this album a well needed dose of pace, and it's the one time f(x) convince in their delivery. There's a tiny piece of f(x) from the past in "My Style", and for the first time they're not relying 100% on gimmicks or corny themes to sell a song. It's really a shame because it took eight songs for it to happen, and it's still just a decent effort (My Style). Rounding out the ballads is "So Into U", and if you manage to get this far into the album, you'll find that this song isn't that bad. Personally, I despise obvious key changes, especially the kind used in a lazy effort to hit a climax in a pop song, and my heart is hurting right now because they're all over this album. Having said that, this is one of the better songs on "Pinocchio". Luna sounds great, as always, and I refrained from pointing that out earlier because her main role is to belt out a high note just to belt out a high note. That's just what SM decided to do with her, which is a shame since she has a beautiful voice. As does Amber, who gets her rightful moment in this song to let the world know that she can actually hold a note in tune. The final song on this album is "Lollipop," which is a Korean remake of f(x)'s previous endeavor with MIC (Chinese group). For this re-issue, f(x) have employed the help of label mates SHINee, the group that these ladies are supposedly modeled after. This collaboration sounds rather promising, but as the song unfolded, so did my hopes for an epic duet. The vocal treatment on everyone involved in this song is cringe-worthy. They say less is more, and in this case, f(x)'s producers could have taken note from a certain other Lollipop song-on-song progression, because this version is hectic and unbearably one-dimensional. The mix seems off too, as I've noticed on other songs on this album, because several members from both idol groups get buried and lost among everything going on (Lollipop). === In general, I have yet to understand who f(x) are as artists. If their "NU ABO" mini album had me confused last year, this album just about inked a giant question mark on my forehead. Sure, some of their songs have been alright to some, but when it comes to piecing together an album of this magnitude, it all has to make sense. That's just how it works. And unless f(x) were going for a hefty mix-tape, this album failed to get any kind of message across. There's simply no identity to f(x)'s music, and where there's no identity, there is no life, and that's exactly (not to mention ironic) how "Pinocchio" reads: lifeless as a doll. There is no proper foundation to develop something magical in f(x) as idols, at least not when their music fails to define them in this hyper-competitive music industry. And at this point, not even having wonderful singers with great voices can save their credibility as superstars. Overall, "Pinocchio" is cheesy, redundant, an ear sore, and absolutely, 100% frivolous through and through. --- Overall Rating: 2.1/5 — Suggestions for a future review?  Hit the author up on Twitter (@rothsresidence) or via e-mail (arnold.arteaga@allkpop.com)! — Note: This article does not reflect the opinions of allkpop, only of the author.